The Prescription of the Big Cleanse

Okay, here’s the prescription, as discussed in previous posts.

I recommend first reading Mastin’s original story behind the cleanse (Part 1, Part2, Part 3), and he’s is also available as a mentor through this.

Then here’s the plan. For 30 Days…

ELIMINATE:

• Sugar
• Wheat
• Dairy
• Alcohol / Drugs
• Caffeine
• Sex
• Dating
• Flirting 
• Masturbation
• Facebook
• TV
• Talking to Ex’s or Crushes

START:

• An alkaline diet (I ate a lot of meat, but balanced it out with Green Smoothies)
• Kundalini Yoga (at least 3x per week) – can be done by DVD or via Amazon on demand)
• Taking a natural multivitamin
• Taking digestive enzymes before meals
• Taking probiotics
• Drink 3 liters of water PH 7+ or higher per day  (Essentia brand at Whole foods). 
• OPTIONAL: At least one colonic, if not one per week
• OPTIONAL: Going to bed very early

I have found that myself and others question the Kundalini Yoga part, but it was really quite essential in processing all the emotion that comes up. Mastin did it twice a day on the cleanse so he believes 3x a week is the minimum. 

As you can see, it’s no small deal to do this. But two of my friends dived in instantly. One is almost complete and the other just started, and both are loving the experience of really getting into what emotions have been pushed down for years.  

Consider it like a re-boot, for your life. 

The Big Cleanse – Finale

“The cave you fear to enter holds the treasure you seek.” 
― Joseph Campbell

The first two weeks were quite challenging, as I mentioned in the first big cleanse post. All the emotions, and not a single vice to suppress it.  I found that a lot of thoughts came through that I didn’t like. I found myself to be an incredibly judgmental person. It was like I was sitting back and watching myself, because if I took action on those thoughts I believed to be true, I would have said a lot of things I’d regret. 

What was also hard was the social detox. The prescription included no contact with crushes or ex’s, even if they were from high school! I thought that would be no bid deal, but a close friend of mine was going through a challenging situation and I couldn’t reach out. I prayed for her each night, and I was often upset with myself for the pure selfishness of this cleanse. But I also knew I had to do this to find my inner peace. 

You see, most of my life I’ve been obsessed with “doing the right thing.” And I’ve found this to be a terrible compass. It has created more stress and anxiety than anything else. The difference between what I believe is the right thing to do vs what actually feels good has created a sense of guilt so strong that I have often felt like ending it all. (I now realize it was an internal conflict of values so unresolvable, that action action in either direction would cause me pain).

As a life long learner, I became aware of this on an intellectual level. But mere awareness never seemed to change anything (not for long at least).  And as I went through the first few weeks of the cleanse, what I feared most was going through it for 30 days and seeing nothing really change. As I mentioned this, my healer laughed and said, “The one constant in the Universe is change. So don’t worry about that!” 

And then something shifted after the second week. It started when I began going to bed earlier. I found that I loved spending time alone. I cleaned, I read, I wrote, I meditated, I exercised. I was creating a new lifestyle for myself. Emotionally I felt like there were no big highs or lows. Just a constant peaceful foundation that couldn’t be rocked. 

I was taking Kundalini yoga classes 3x a week, and on the 30th day I had my final class. After two weeks of pure peace, I began to feel very scared. When I started the cleanse I couldn’t wait for it to end. And now I didn’t want it to stop. I had entered my innermost cave, made a home for myself, and I didn’t want to leave. I didn’t want to change my militant diet. I didn’t want to be social, or be in a relationship, or even have sex.  And the guilt ensued. I literally felt crazy – like I had experimented with being homeless for a month and didn’t want to come back. 

It’s been two weeks since the cleanse officially ended, and to be honest… I don’t know if I’m back. I don’t know where I am. I’m continuing almost all of the new habits, but I’m not tied to them.  I find I have very few judgments. I have a much deeper acceptance of people and myself. I’ve also noticed that the emotion of embarrassment is largely gone. I didn’t really notice it till now, but I used to walk around with this constant chatter in my head, wondering what people think of me, trying to take care of people and not upset anyone. Most of that is gone. 

It’s been really nice to reconnect with people. They say I feel more a lot more authentic. And it amazes me how intrigued people are by the cleanse. It definitely gets a strong reaction (in one way or another). A friend of mine noticed a difference so great that he immediately started the cleanse and now I’m coaching him through it. He’s two weeks into it and loving it. 

I highly recommend trying it. I’ll post the exact prescription in case anyone is interested in doing it. But even if you don’t, I want to leave you with a question.  How are you distracting yourself? What is it you’re doing now to avoid a feeling you don’t want to feel?  These things are the guards of the innermost cave. They seem benevolent because all they want to do is protect you from pain. They don’t believe you can handle it. They think you’ll die. 

But I’m here to tell you, there’s gold in that cave behind the dragon… And God knows we don’t appreciate things that simply land in our lap. 

The Big Cleanse

“Wow, you went from looking excited all night to totally scared,” he said.  

I was wrapping up dinner with Mastin Kipp, the editor of The Daily Love. It felt like meeting a long lost brother. And both of us being coaches, we offered our thoughts, feedback, advice.  At the end, I asked him his intuition about me… “You have a big heart. You really want to give a lot. But I think you need to focus. I sense you’re distracting yourself. There’s something you really don’t want to feel, and I don’t know what that is.”   

That was when I started looking scared. I think I even gripped the table.  I knew he was right, but I had no idea what that feeling was. And I had a sense that even if I did know it, knowledge wouldn’t do much. 

He said the only way to really get to the core of what we’re feeling is to eliminate all the things that are distracting us from those emotions. That includes alcohol, drugs, caffeine, sugar, sex, masturbation, even flirting. It includes eliminating wheat, dairy, and taking a range of vitamins, enzymes, and alkaline water. I decided to add to the list:  No TV, and no radio in the car so I can really hear any thought or emotion I may be avoiding.  

I’m almost two weeks into it and it’s been quite a roller coaster. The physical detox has not been hard because I tend to be healthy anyway, but my thoughts have been all over the place. I’ve been quite irritable, finding something annoying in almost every situation (or every person).  It’s like all this blame is getting out of my system. I have to be very, very careful not to act on my thoughts because I know they’re very temporary and very misguided.  And I’ve had a lot of thoughts of self-hatred. That’s actually nothing new for me, but my usual strategy would be to immediately think something different, whereas now it’s like I’m watching another person. It’s kind of eerie, but in a cool way.

What’s even more eerie is my sleep patterns. Almost every night I go to bed around 10 and then I’m wide awake at 3am. Often I’ll get a lot of work done, or read. But one night I realized that beyond all the physical vices, I actually have mental vices.  I spent about 5 hours researching crazy business ideas and reading up on economic and alien conspiracies. As the sun started to rise, I realized that while it was fun it made me anxious, tense and I really had nothing good to show for it. 

Sometimes I feel totally at peace, especially after a Kundalini yoga class. Sometimes everything makes perfect sense, sometimes I’m totally confused, or my body is just covered in pain.  But the roller coaster isn’t even the hard part. It’s interesting, it’s fascinating. It’s weird…  The hard part is when those emotions end. When it’s just me. Alone. Deeply tired in a way I can’t explain. Wondering what the point is, to anything. 

“What are you most afraid of?” Heather asked.  She and David are two amazing healers. 

I lied there on the table, thinking of one image… “Buried alive. Definitely getting buried alive. I think that would be the worst possible scenario.” 

I went there in my mind. Not avoiding it, but actually visualizing myself there. Lying in the casket as we worked through what that means – Being alone, in the dark, totally constrained, no way out. And facing it, the fear disappeared. I felt warm and relaxed, and she whispered, “What if you’re not really in the casket… What if you’re in the womb?” 

And then it was like my world shifted through this paradoxical feeling like I hadn’t gone anywhere but I’m in a totally new place. 

I had this incredible feeling that my life is about to begin…

(Click here for Part 2)

The Two Kinds of Relationships

I’m no relationship expert, but I do see patterns. 

In my own life, and my friends’ lives I see two types of romantic relationships:  Growth relationships and partner relationships…

Growth relationship

A growth relationship is anywhere from a few weeks to a few years. It’s exciting, it’s spicy, it’s all kinds of unpredictable. It’s the one that your friends didn’t want to tell you, but they knew it ultimately would not work out.  But you were still drawn to it, like a moth to the flame.  The flame of passion is the draw, but the source is different. We find the person attractive largely because we admire qualities that we actually want for ourselves. But instead we believe we can simply acquire them in the other. In psychological terms, it’s a positive projection. It’s our own gold hiding in what see in others.  But if we get honest about it, through the relationship we can become the person we actually want to be.  

Signs of a growth relationship:

• Strong highs and lows
• Desire to analyze the situation constantly, and control the outcome
• Second guessing the other person

Benefits:

• Exciting
• Highly passionate
• Potential to learn a lot about yourself

Challenges:

• Triggers all your insecurities and deep fears
• Makes you question your own instincts
• Hard to deal with if one person wants it to become a partnership relationship (see below)

Advice: 

Enjoy your time because it will end sooner than you think.  Don’t delay the progress of the relationship. Stay real, don’t shit yourself, and be thankful for all you’re learning. Grow fast because whoever learns those deep lessons first will then lose the attraction for the partner.  

Partnership relationship

All relationships involve growth, but in a partnership relationship the commitment is to the relationship itself, rather than to each of the individuals’ personal growth.  These last from 9 months to a lifetime. The couple feels like a cohesive unit, or best friends. There tends to be less drama, and more stability. Taking out the notion of the “soul mate” one can have many partnership relationships in a lifetime.  A partnership relationship can develop out of a growth relationship, but not vice versa.

Signs of a Partnership relationship

• Feels like your best friend
• Immediate comfort
• Total acceptance

Benefits:

• Very stable
• Great for taking on bigger challenges in life (kids, saving the world, etc)
• Support allows each person to live into their larger purpose

Challenges:

• Not as exciting as growth relationships
• Can be unhealthy and co-dependent if the partners are not stable in their individual lives.
• Tendency to settle into boredom without consciously creating new experiences

Advice: 

Focus on developing the friendship. Constantly build in new experiences. Go to a tantra class. 

I’ve had many of both types of relationships, but I have not had this particular distinction until now. I used to think the distinctions were either a) soulmate or b) total friggin confusion.  Neither ended up being particularly healthy. 

Seeing relationships in this light, I feel much more prepared, and I have to wonder what would happen if I brought this into the conversation BEFORE starting a relationship rather than only seeing it afterward. 

POST NOTE: I’ve shared the concept with a few people who think there could be a larger book out of this. I’d love to get your opinion and especially YOUR STORIES. I think there are more patterns to discover and more wisdom that you may have.  

Please let me know what you think in the comments, and if you feel like sharing your own story, email me at Robert@Richman.LA 

The Love Potion Amulet

I just put together this love potion amulet.  But it’s no ordinary potion, and no ordinary love. 

First off, most potions you drink. But that’s just sketchy. This is a combination of ancient oils to massage on your temples.   Secondly, most love potions make someone fall in love with you.  But where’s the fun in that? It’s like playing soccer with no opposing team.   No, this is a different kind of love potion.

This potion makes you fall in love… with yourself.

But let’s take a step back to explain how I got here.

You may know of a ritual in which you write down exactly what you want in a lover.  Half the couples I know in the spiritual / self-development world made lists of exactly what they want in a partner, and a vision of their life together.    As a fan of Tony Robbins, NLP, and every other discipline that believes thoughts shape our world, I have done this several times. 

Sometimes it works with shocking success (and I learn about things I should have included on the list).  Other times it’s felt as though God took the list from my hands and said, “Hmmm, yeah. You don’t really want this. I know you think you do. But I got something in better in mind. Oh, and in the meantime I’m going to put you through a few trials and tribulations to get you ready.”

So at this point I’ve become rather tired of the shopping list approach to “manifesting” the perfect partner. I’m much more interested in what’s simple and of absolute most importance.  As Mr. Rogers said before his death, “Life is simple and deep. But we make it complex and shallow.”

Now I know that one simple thing.

When I met dating expert David Shade at Burning Man, he told me about a product he created called “Selecting Women Wisely.” He spent 5 years happily married to a beautiful woman, and they had children together.  Then she left him for a “bad boy” and he was devastated. Looking back he realized he had chosen very poorly. He chose a person who was never happy enough to fully be there with him. The reason?  She had very little self-esteem.  She didn’t value herself highly, so she had to always look for validation on the outside.

In other words, she didn’t love herself.

It felt like a revelation to hear this. I looked back on my lists and saw this one quality throughout, like quarks running the energy within every atom and molecule. If we love ourselves, in other words, if we fully accept ourselves, admire ourselves, and trust ourselves to learn from our experiences, then we can be happy in any situation.

Could I fall in love with anyone who loves themselves? Of course not. But I see how crucial it is, and how every other desirable quality can disappear in the face of its lack.

So why the potion?   I have a strong desire to see people strip away all the self-criticism, drama and stress so that they can fully shine, smile and light up the room. That’s when we make friends for life, help each other grow, or just go on some wild crazy adventures.

Here’s to the eye-opening, scary, wondrous, brilliant, torrid love affair with ourself.

Married at Zappos (six months later…)

There is a couple who got both engaged married at Zappos. (See the first video below). Here they come to visit us six months later.

The original proposal and wedding…

Why we don’t like commitment

“He can’t handle commitment.”
“I’m not ready to commit.”
“She’s commitment-phobic.”

Ever heard any of these?

Think about this for a moment… Perhaps there’s not a problem with the person. Perhaps there’s a problem with the word…

Have you ever said to yourself, “I am so depressed.”? 
This statement literally says you equals depressed. They are one and the same. It’s as if your identity is the depression. It would be much more accurate to say “I feel so depressed.”  It would be even more accurate to say, “I feel what I am labeling depression.” 

The word “depression” has a tremendous amount of baggage to it, from social taboo, to a clinical state of incapacitation.  And yet we use it so liberally! 

A friend of mine once heard me say I was depressed and asked me to consider a different word. He said, “Try saying, ‘I’m in a dark night right now.'”  I said it and immediately my view shifted as I could see the state as temporary (since night always passes into day) and I could find the art and poetry of being in the shadows, where perhaps I could find something hidden and interesting about myself.  It was a total turnaround.

So back to the idea of commitment…

What if we replaced that word with devotion?

I was struck by this word when my former girlfriend told me how she thought Thievery Corporations’ Radio Retaliation is a very devotional album. I thought, Wow – it’s such a beautiful word.  So I looked it up. Here’s the definition:

Devotion

 

• profound dedication; consecration. 
• earnest attachment to a cause, person, etc.
• an assignment or appropriation to any purpose, cause, etc.
•    religious observance or worship; a form of prayer or worship for special use.

Now look at that in contrast to a few definitions from this word:

Commitment

• a pledge or promise; obligation: We have made a commitment to pay our bills on time.
• perpetration or commission, as of a crime.
• consignment, as to prison.
• confinement to a mental institution or hospital: The psychiatrist recommended commitment.
• an order, as by a court or judge, confining a person to a mental institution or hospital.

“Devotion” is a deeply motivated choice. “Commitment” is an obligation or a prison.

Is it any wonder so many of us shy away from “commitment”?

The Best is Yet to Come (The David Deida Experience: Epilogue)

Does this sound familiar to you? You know someone who goes off to a weekend seminar, and they come back “a new person.” They can’t stop talking about it, and yet they don’t make much sense except for their clear message that you have to do the same thing, and at worst, they’ll think less of you if you don’t.  And then several weeks later, they’re back to their old selves, their old bad habits, and nothing really changed.

Well, that was not what happened to me. Quite the opposite (which is why I’m conveying all of this weeks after the event).

The first day I got back, I felt a sore throat come on all of the sudden.  By the next day I woke up and thought, “If I could simply feel completely awful, that would be a massive improvement.”  I went to the doctor who diagnosed me with swine flu. That was a fun week, but it got worse…

I coughed so much for two weeks that I would wake up at all hours.  Codeine, Robitussin and a healthy shot of Nyquil couldn’t stop the coughing.  It was painful and I couldn’t sleep. I went on a 10-day course of antibiotics, and it was still there. I went through a Z-pack 5-day course of antibiotics as well.

Some could say I simply got sick, but my belief is that I was clearing out years worth of pain around my heart. Pain, memories and a loneliness I had not acknowledged.  One of the worst nights I was lying at home in my apartment, thinking dreadfully, “If I were to die this weekend, no one would even look for me till Wednesday.”  Dramatic, of course, but what hit me over those two weeks as I watched awful reality shows and sat on my couch eating loads of comfort foods was just how alone I felt, and how ready I was for all that to change.

By Thanksgiving the cloud finally began to lift.  And that’s when I realized why all of this happened, because there’s a big part of this story I left out…

You see, by Thanksgiving, I knew the first woman I saw at the hotel before the Deida event would become the love of my life.  (update: Not really, but it was a great relationship and we learned a lot)

But that’s another story, for another time 😉

The Invitation

It doesn’t interest me what you do for a living. I want to know what
you ache for, and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart’s
longing.

It doesn’t interest me how old you are. I want to know if you will
risk looking like a fool for love, for your dreams, for the adventure
of being alive.

It doesn’t interest me what planets are squaring your moon. I want to
know if you have touched the center of your own sorrow, if you have
been opened by life’s betrayals or have become shrivelled and closed
from fear of further pain! I want to know if you can sit with pain,
mine or your own, without moving to hide it or fade it, or fix it.

I want to know if you can be with joy, mine or your own, if you can
dance with wildness and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your
fingers and toes without cautioning us to be careful, to be realistic,
to remember the limitations of being human.

It doesn’t interest me if the story you are telling me is true. I want
to know if you can disappoint another to be true to yourself; if you
can bear the accusation of betrayal and not betray your own soul; If
you can be faithless and therefore trustworthy.

I want to know if you can see beauty even when it’s not pretty, every
day, and if you can source your own life from its presence.

I want to know if you can live with failure, yours and mine, and still
stand on the edge of the lake and shout to the silver of the full
moon, “Yes!”

It doesn’t interest me to know where you live or how much money you
have. I want to know if you can get up, after a night of grief and
despair, weary and bruised to the bone, and do what needs to be done
to feed the children.

It doesn’t interest me who you know or how you came to be here. I want
to know if you will stand in the center of the fire with me and not
shrink back.

It doesn’t interest me where or what or with whom you have studied. I
want to know what sustains you, from the inside, when all else falls
away.

I want to know if you can be alone with yourself and if you truly like
the company you keep in the empty moments.

———————
The Invitation
by Oriah Mountain Dreamer

Dark into Light (The David Deida Workshop – part 6)

I gathered with all the men for the morning exercise.  We started with a run around the ballroom, and there was something inexplicably cool about watching all of us run in silence, while completely relaxed and focused. Next we lined up face to face, adjusted each other's posture, then tried to break his concentration by sensing his weakness and throwing it back at him.  Finally, we locked arms like wrestlers, pushing against each other in full force, without losing eye contact.  Completely invigorating.

The instructors pointed out that as men, we love having something to push against, a challenge. And if we're fully engaged with it, we feel completely alive.  It's when we avoid it, numb out, walk away – that's when we die. It was great to have such a visceral reminder that the challenges I have in my life are for my own benefit (side note: I was watching VH1's "Celebrities Gone Good." Stories of philanthropic stars. It was so boring!  It made me realize that purely good news, or pure comfort, is not what we're built for. We're built for the challenge, the mission, the growth, the transformation).

The "Sex" Exercise (this is finally the promised "Sex without Touching" though honestly, I think the whole event could be summed up with that phrase).

We covered Love in part 5.  Now the exercise would be "polarity" – The charge between the masculine and feminine sexual energies. Again, I went with my paradox of choice principle and chose the first person I saw.  She was a psychic healer I had spoken with earlier.  These exercises feel much easier when you have never even spoken to the person.  That we had a previously established rapport suddenly made me feel embarrassed for what was to come.

We began again with breathing while staring into the other's eyes, a foot away. After awhile David asked the women to rate how present we were on a scale from 0 to 10 (5 being the presence of a good friend, 10 being the most present man they've ever encountered).  At the count of three he asked the women to say a number.  "8" she said (Yes!).  When it was my turn I just didn't feel her that closely.  Her eyes were there, but she wasn't with me. So I said, "4."  And I felt awful when I saw her face turn to shock and disappointment.  We then did a few exercises to tune up our presence.

What happened next…  Granted, we never even touched each other, but David then had us say the most provocative sexual statements one can pronounce, and then the other person would assess whether or not they believed the emotion was real. Here I was, less than a foot in front of a woman I wasn't even feeling attracted to, and yet saying the most intimate things one can say.   Again…intense. But all preparation for our real relationships, when we're in that place where romance is fading, but we still want to keep the spark. It became clear to me just how much choice we have about the love and sexuality we create.

The final feedback
Lining up against all the walls, shoulder to shoulder, the women stood in front of the men, and were asked, "what would you need this man to change so that you could be with him?"  My first partner was a cute, meek south pacific islander who looked transfixed as she said, "Whoa, you're really good at this. I'm intimidated." I tried to soften up to help her relax, and strangely enough, my once giggling persona was nowhere to be found. The next woman was super sensitive and began to tear up as she said, "You have such a big heart.  But I feel that you won't let yourself be angry with me, and I need to trust that you can."  I had to do the same for each of them, and it was amazing how this amplified all my senses. I could see the best in people.  I could feel love and attraction to women I would never even consider. And for the ones I could? It felt like I could marry them right there.

The Final Exercise: Dark Energy

I had a very interesting dinner with people who have been to several Deida events. Apparently this one was tame compared to the others.  Wow.  Back to the Inn for the final exercise…David warned us that this may get a little dark.

We did our usual line-ups. This time rather than picking the first person I saw, I picked the last one….  It wasn't intentional. Earlier I had several great conversations with a woman with a similar background to mine and after dinner we agreed to find each other for the final exercise.  I looked all over for her to no avail, and finally had to sit down like a game of musical chairs.

The lights turned dim, and we closed our eyes. We each reached out, one palm up and one down, and then took turns leading a back and forth hand motion, as if we were having a conversation, simply with our hands. We then took an emotion, like how I would want to be as a father and then expressed that, only through my hands. My memories get murky from here on out, so I may be terribly misquoting, but you'll get the idea…

We then took on stronger and stronger emotions.  David instructed the women to throw everything they had at the man, as if they were fighting him. The voices got louder as the women became more and more expressive.  But it was soft music compared to the next part… David asked the men to show the women that they're willing to kill anything that invades their home, and the animal roars from 150 men were deafening.  Finally we did both at the same time, and the intensity hit an 11.  It was like using up all your remaining energy on the final home stretch of a race.  

And then calm, then silence.

We turned around so as not to face our partner, and I never saw her again, let alone even remember what she looked like. David advised us that it's better this way – unless you have a lifelong partner. I believe him when he said these exercises are too powerful to do it any other way. I saw the woman I tried to find earlier and apparently I had looked right through her in my search, though she was quite thankful that we both went through it with someone we didn't know. 

There was a party that evening, sure to be filled with great conversations and undertones of God knows what. But I was half in a state of Zen and half pure exhaustion, so I headed back to my hotel to get a few hours of sleep before my flight straight to work.  I had no idea how exhausted I really was, as I would find out later.

Next:   Final Chapter: The Epilogue.